Unstable
by Luna-is-Loony
Summary: Sirius reminisces about the past. What happened between him and James is long passed, yet he can't help but cling to it. It's been left untouched since, but a midnight meeting at a bar changes everything. Sirius/James **SLASH**
1. Midnight Encounter

Disclaimer: I _still_ don't own the Harry Potter universe. As soon as I manage to take over the world, I'll let you know.

A/N: This one's a bit different than the last one. I'm trying out a different style, which I personally like better. There is some drama in this chapter, so if you're terrified of it or just plain hate it, I suggest backing away. As always, rate and review.

**To clarify, _the italics are the flashbacks._ This is all from Sirius' POV.

Warning: Rated M for mature scenes (AKA sex) and language.

**Unstable**

The streets around me hummed with life, and I managed to block out the noise. I always did. In the Muggle world, I had no fear of being recognized by anyone, and freely I roamed the streets late at night when there was nothing better to do. I pulled my robes tightly against me to block out the chilling wind, and somewhere in my mind, I registered someone mocking me. With a flickering ghost of a smile, the jeering was pushed back, unimportant to me. Other thoughts possessed me.

_James smiles brilliantly, his head leani__ng against my chest as he looks up to me with those wide, mischievous eyes._ Other girls may have called him gorgeous, but they didn't see him like I did. _His glasses frame his eyes in a way no others could, the Common Room's fire dancing within them. He gives me that smile taunting smile as if to say "you can't have me" although we both knew that as soon as we were alone, our bodies will press together as our lips met in sloppy, inexperienced kisses._

I'd had him for three glorious days before I'd lost him to a point he'd never be able to turn on – a promise forgotten in our tears and tentative embraces. _Your hair falls between my fingers as I hold you closely to say those three words we'll never mention again._ My eyes close and I bite down to avoid tears.

_Everyone smiles__ as you proposed. It is graduation day. The sun's beating down, and we're all dressed in dress robes. Several parents give their children smiles and wave. No one has the energy to wave back with the sun's ferocious heat. Then, you get on one knee. My heart drops in bitter resentment. I know what's coming even though you haven't told me. I can't believe you haven't._

_Several people in the crowd cheer. Other girls hold disappointed pouts, and I can't help but mentally snap back, "You never had a chance." Lily will have you. But you were meant for me._ My arms were sculpted to hold your body. No one else will ever fit. And although you've convinced yourself otherwise, Lily's arms were never meant to hold you.

"_Sirius, I think I do love her." You lie, gritting your teeth. There's pain in your eyes but I ignore it, unable to grasp that you've chosen her over me. "We never had a chance." It's the first time we've brought up that anything ever happened between us. My eyes look into yours for some small spark of hope. But you've made up your mind, and as you see me searching you read me like no one else can and harden them. As I sputter half-formed angered thoughts of abandoned love, you turn and walk away from me._ I'll never mention it again.

The wind began to swirl around in, and as I looked up, I realized the midnight sky threatens to shower me in snow. March still held winter's to-the-bone chill. Sighing in defeat, I made up my mind to visit a Wizard Pub. My wand out, I walked into an abandoned abbey. With a loud crack and a sickening tug, I was in Diagon Alley.

There was nothing better than a Firewhiskey to soothe a broken heart. The contents of my mug was gone within three gulps, and I slammed it down against the table with as much force as I could manage. Three drinks so far and I still was able to think clearly. It was amazing how after a while, the body built such a tolerance to alcohol.

But a drunken fit best washed away all my sorrows. Ten years had passed exactly today, but not a day went by where I didn't picture James' hand slowly stroking my face, his lips smiling against mine. And ten years ago, I promised him and myself that we'd end it for good. Ten years ago, I had breathed my last breath. Everything afterward didn't count. I'd always be a dead man.

"This one's on the house, mate." The barmaid set down several shots in front of me, and I gulped them down, the taste bitter and overpowering. My throat burned, and finally my thoughts dulled. The persistent rapping of a dead man's thoughts was muffled behind a protective shield, only to be stored for later.

"James…" Still, my eyes brimmed with tears, which I hastily wiped back. It was unwise to be seen sobbing. If by any means James heard, I doubted I would ever forgive myself. He had long forgotten anything that had ever happened anything between us. Lily was there for him. Lily would always be there for him.

Still, tears freely flowed, as if my face was a faucet opened as I drowned myself in drink after drink. Soon, a blurred figure of someone with jet black hair appeared beside me. All I need was this. "God dammit, why do I have to effin' hallucinate him?" Somehow, a glass of water had crept into my reach, and I downed it as if it were a shot itself. My tears cleared, and James stood next to me, a confused smile on his face.

"Alright, you can disappear now," I told my hallucination. I waved it away, but no movement came from it.

"You honestly want me to?" Did my James figure respond to me or was I crazy? Probably a bit of both… James' hand reached out and lay heavily on top of mine. I snatched my hand back, terrified by how real this all felt.

Closing my eyes, I felt big, messy tears escape down my face. "Dammit, I can't go through this." If James knew how unstable I was, he'd probably feel terrible. Ten years later, I still clung to those fading memories. I had been with a girl from time to time but it was only to make him think I wasn't the same man I had been so long ago. I was fed up with all of my fucking lies.

"Padfoot, what's wrong? Bloody hell, you look like a bleedin' mess." That was not my hallucination.

"Oh," I muttered, peeling my eyes open to the cavern's musty lights, and the blurred figure sitting in front of me. "It's this girl; she left me, and –" I cut off, my throat closing in disgust. It was always lies. It always would be lies. My hands clawed at my eyes, wiping away my tears.

"You're a bloody terrible lair; you know that?" James whispered. "You always have been."

"I don't know what you're talkin' about."

"You think I haven't gone looking for my best mate sometimes? An' where are you? Always out at the pub choking down Firewhiskey. You refuse to tell me anything 'bout, and you expect me to think another girl's ditched you?" His voice had risen to a hysterical shout, and nearly the pub was staring.

"Get an effin' room!" a drunken slur screamed. "Pansies…"

"I'll just leave." I wasn't ready for this talk. I'd never be.

"It's ten years today. You think I'd forgotten?" All harshness dropped from his voice until it was calm and nearly pleading.

"Don't put me through this again, James." My head bowed down and I stared at my feet and waving black cloak. "It's hell. I think about you ever day wishing it were us together. No one ever understands me – I'm just a moody, why should they? But over the years I've managed to pull it together for you, haven't I?"

"Pull it off? I found you drinking as if you were dehydrated. That's not water either."

"Did I come whenever you asked me to go to Hogsmeade together with Lily? I sat through your snoggin' an' was happy for you. An' whenever you called me over to help with the wedding, I didn't hesitate in coming over. An' now that you're about to have a _kid_ with Lily, I'm effin' happy – my best mate's going to be a Father." By the end, my voice had progressed lower and lower until I spat out words with a venomous hiss.

"Siri, you think I don't care?" The steadiness in his voice now only irritated me.

"Don't call me that." Maybe ten years I'd waited to hear him say that, but it wasn't right. He wasn't supposed to do this to Lily. I pulled out my wand as he approached managing a wide-eyed, hurt expression similar to that of a wounded animal's. My wand quivered in my hand.

"You're not really going to do it." Yet I could hear the uncertainty in his voice. But he was right; I could never hurt him. The wand loosely fell with my arm at my side, and I collapsed into a chair.

"Where's Lily?"

"At her Mum's house. We got into a bit of a row earlier."

"Over what?" God save me if it were us.

"She wanted chocolate on her jalapenos, and I told her that was absolutely ridiculous." We both laughed, uneven, nervous chokes meant to fill-in the awkward silence.

"Maybe I should just go…" I gave up with a defeated sigh.

"No, I can go." So much for remaining best mates. I watched as he walked away, then went to the man who ran the pub as well as the hotel.

"I'd like a room." Blankly, I stared at him, handing over a total of five galleons. He took it as emotionlessly as I had handed it over, and gave me a key in return. My house was filled with pictures of the Marauders. Why shouldn't I escape in a hotel? I had to hide from the hazel eyes and defined smirk.


	2. Room Service!

The fan spun 'round and 'round, and my eyes followed it. Ten years of holding in, and a midnight encounter breaks the fragile line between friendship and love. Closing my eyes, I could feel his warm hand steadied on my arm, his breath on my neck. His voice hummed in my ear. _A hand tousles my messy hair as I lay in front of the Hogwarts' fire, once more a boy _-

A knock jarred me out of my memory.

"Room service." Without a thought of anything else, I climbed out of the bed and to the door. Prying it open, I was met by a familiar pair of sharp, hazel eyes. My delayed reaction let James shove his way past me and into the room. "Can't leave my best mate all alone, can I?" He moved closer, and I took a halfhearted step backward. Yet with each step back, I seemed to only get closer. His breath came low and full, while mine sped up with my heart. We were centimeters apart and his hazel eyes were opened wide with expectancy and a need to be comforted. In closing my eyes to clear my head, a pair of lips met mine.

A hand rougher than I remembered stroked my face. There was something different in the way he kissed me. It struck me as less innocent and less pure.

As James continually proved himself to be a different man – his hand no longer even stroking my face but rather grabbing at it and his words forceful and piercing – my will to pull away grew. Yet just as I went to do this, one of his hands slipped around my waist and pulled me up to him, the other tangled into my hair. Our entire bodies seemed to meet, only separated by the thin layer of clothes we each were wearing, and all thoughts of escape were abandoned.

My hands reached up to his chin as I pulled our lips closer together, inhaling his sweet scent. His leg wrapped around my left and I gasped against his lips as his erection rubbed up against mine. The gasp was all James needed to slip his tongue between my lips to explore every crevice of my mouth. My tongue wrestled with his in a fervent passion, and I shivered, feeling his hands reach down.

Hands clawed blindly at my robes, and the delicate fabric tore with a loud, drawn-out rip. Still, my shirt, now slightly damp, clung to my chest. James pulled back for a moment, choking for breath. His eyes scanned me up and down, pausing at the bulge in my pants. Though his lips were parted, they still formed a defined wicked smile, and I shivered as my pants became tighter.

"Damn, you look sexy." He was the first to speak, voice shaking only slightly from lack of breath. A hunger hid behind his hazel eyes, and I reached out, wrapping my arm like a snake around his neck, and drawing him closer.

"So do you." My voice came out more uneven than his, and sensing his power over me, James let out a soft breath against my neck. Closing my eyes, a slow shiver ran up my back, and my arm slacked. Swiftly, he slipped out of my reach and stepped backward, giving me a taunting grin as my eyes opened in dismay. James kept me transfixed as his eyes roamed again over my body, seemingly boring into me. His nimble fingers worked at his robes and with each button unfastened, my throat constricted tighter, and my heart beat quickened.

Hidden underneath his robes was a thin, white shirt, also soaked through and sculpting his body, outlining every muscle. They had only become more defined since his years in Hogwarts of playing Quidditch. He wore tight jeans, and absently, my eyes wandered down right below his waistline to the distinct bulge. James noticed this and he released a soft, calculating chuckle.

"James…" I hissed, every part of my body yearning for his touch. Although he didn't reply, with a deliberate slowness he began walking closer, the resemblance uncannily similar to a wild cat stalking its prey. Yet something about the way he looked at me with those piercing, hazel eyes held me in place. I couldn't bring myself to take a stop forward or a step back.

When he finally reached me, every muscle in my body trembled in anticipation, and with his touch, I melted into him, lips meshing together in another frenzied kiss. Where his hands traced against my skin, I felt lava. Giddy with the mere pleasure of his skin against mine, I moaned into his lips, and rubbed up against him, desperate to get friction.

A tremble reverberated from his mouth and into me, and his hands clawed at my pants, pulling them down. Through the boxers, his hand grabbed at my cock, pumping and sending my body into a blissful madness. Warmth spread throughout me and I gasped and arched slightly before releasing a choked-off moan. With unsteady legs, my weight fell forward further on top of James. His hand let go and out of some unknown instinct, I reached up, my shaking hands attempting to unbutton his shirt.

"Dammit." I was trembling too violently, and my mind was unable to think straight, not with his hands roaming around me as he captured me in those lustful eyes and irresistible breath. With a forceful tug, I managed to rip it off, and felt pleased as his eyes flashed in what looked like approval.

His tanned chest glowed in the hotel's dimmed lights, and my hands were irresistibly drawn to it. My fingers dragged up and down, feeling every dip in his skin, and he let off a contented sigh. But neither of us could be satisfied for a long time as we stood a foot apart, James smiling lopsidedly at me as I attempted to meet his eyes. Soon, James grabbed me by the hips, pulling me close again.

His breath came as heavy pants in my face, and my eyes fluttered shut as I soaked it in. Lips met mine forcefully, and his teeth bit at my bottom lip, tugging them backward between them. I responded by entwining my fingers in his messy, jet black hair. The soft lips moved up, tracing my jaw line until they reached behind my earlobe. The tip of his tongue streaked past his lips and against it, and I gasped into his shoulder.

"James, I love you." It slipped out. His hands released me, and he pulled back, an angry expression on his face. I didn't understand, and reached forward with my hand to find comfort and strength in his touch. Instead, he recoiled. "Prongs?"

"Fuck." With a wave of his wand, his shirt was pulled back together, and he pulled it over his head, robes following. For a moment, I didn't understand, but then I realized. I had broken the unspoken rule. No matter if both of us loved each other with a passion to rival even Romeo and Juliet's, we weren't supposed to mention it. I felt as if the effect's of a Crucio were wearing off as I thought to how he must feel knowing that in less than twenty-four hours he'd be with Lily again, caressing _her_ and having to kiss those lips instead.

"It slipped out. I didn't mean it."

"You think I'm a bloody idiot?" His voice was cold and seething, no trace of any affection left. I flinched. "You snarky git, I can't believe you." Something in me broke.

"Someone had to say it." My tone dropped low enough to go against his, and my feet marched forward of their own accord. In a final desperate attempt to change his mind, I grabbed out, ignoring his attempts to pull away, and latched my hand into his before pressing my face into his. The only thing that greeted me was resistance and the tip of a wand jabbed against my still-bare chest.

"Unlike you, I'm not afraid to send a hex." There was nothing for me to do but back away. I watched from where I stood, too shocked to move an inch. And for a moment after the door slammed behind him, it continued that way. Then, the tremors started.

"_I'll always love you." His eyes stream with tears and my hand shakily wipes them away, dragging him in a comforting embrace, even though I myself am filled with doubtful thoughts. I stroke his hair, trying to convince myself that someday there'll be a different ending than the one we imagined._

Now, tears streamed down my face, but there was no James to hold me and whisper dreams of a better tomorrow into my ear. There'd never be. The only person he needed was Lily, and I was second, left behind to fight out my sorrows and strife for myself. That door had sealed shut anything we had left. And it was my entire fault. I had mentioned it, and there was no removing those words.

My knees trembled, and I forced myself to the bed. There was no stopping my collapse, and my throat seemed to close. I let out a choked sound of a broken mutt as I melted into my Animagus form. A soft whimper escaped as I tried to take refuge in my simpler mind. The only thing that saved me is my sleep, pulling me into a wonderful oblivion.

A/N: I'm cruel; I know. First, I pull back as they're both half-naked, and then I torture Sirius. Poor Siri. But still, tell me what you think. Feedback is much appreciated, and you will get your lovely lemon. Also, this is my first attempt at anything past kissing, so I want to know how I did.


	3. Girl Trouble

I awoke the next morning still feeling as if I was drowning in my own pain. It was dark outside, but I felt a sudden urge to go back home. "If only I hadn't told him," I muttered to myself as I fixed my robes with my wand. The tattered remains turned back to their original state, leaving no trace of yesterday's encounter. "If only I hadn't fucking told him."

It was so easy to look back now and tell myself what I should and shouldn't have done, but yesterday as we held each other with needful hands, it only seemed right. But this logic wouldn't soothe me. My mind lashed against this, fighting every ounce of myself in an overwhelming internal battle. Nothing made sense, and it was too early to be able to shove it all back to a corner of my mind.

My wand whipped out and I apparated home to my worn-down apartment. As suddenly as I had jolted awake, my eyelids began to heavily sink, and I made my way to my bed. An emotionless sleep overtook me once more.

A tapping at my window woke me. At first I attempted to ignore it, and moodily shoved my pillow over my head, but the owl persistently scratched, and I was forced to drag myself unwillingly out of bed. My already heavy heart stopped as I recognized it to be James'. No thought of hope came to me. I wasn't that foolish.

The owl hopped in, and stretched out its leg. My hands trembled violently, and with much difficulty I managed to pry it from his leg. The owl attempted to perch on my shoulder as I clumsily opened it, but found me a too-moving place to land. With a trilling hoot, he took off to the skies.

The letter consisted of one sentence. "Lily came home this morning." His signature was at the bottom, and while I had been expecting it, his painfully short reply cut into me. I could almost hear his monotone voice ringing in my ears, and those same hardened eyes I'd witnessed on graduation day.

As I sat on the bed in a dream-like daze, I wished this were the nightmare it seemed. But I wasn't dreaming. There was no strength or will inside me to do anything. The emotion flooded me with a throbbing power, and as I reminded myself it was my fault all I could do was close my eyes.

The next few days passed in a tangled mess of nightmares and my nightmarish life. Each day, my will to do anything diminished more and more. All I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and sleep undisturbed. As that obviously never was going to happen, nightmares would have to suffice.

On the fourth day, I woke up to blurred face of Moony. He was shaking me slightly, and his face was worried. He muttered my name several times, but unable to respond with my constricted throat, a glance had to suffice. He shook my shoulder several times and I ignored him, rolling over to do what I did best.

"Your friend brought you in. You gave him quite a scare." The voice came from some unknown female. I opened my eyes to see a Healer standing above me, smiling brightly. Blinking several times, I was able to soak up my surroundings. Apparently, I had been transferred to a hospital.

"What happened?" My voice came out as a whisper, void of any emotions.

"You hadn't eaten for several days. In fact, you were very weak and dehydrated. We were able to patch you up quite quickly, but I still think it's in your best interest that you stay another day." I was in no mood to argue, and just nodded dumbly. "You alright, Mr. Black?" I nodded again and the nurse furrowed her brow for a moment as if she could simply read me if she concentrated hard enough. Then, her face rearranged once more into a jolly smile, and she walked out.

I knew I wouldn't have a moment's rest as soon as Moony walked into the room dragging none other than James Potter and Lily Evans behind him.

"What happened?" Moony gazed at me with eyes filled with nothing but concern. I knew he wouldn't press, and in response I just gave him a reassuring smile. It quivered upon seeing Prong's dull expression. Every bit of him wished he weren't here and it showed in his eyes.

"Obviously, he's had girl trouble. Padfoot's always been terrible with relationships." There was no need for him to even say the words "especially ours". His tone clearly implied it. Lily elbowed him and gave me a nervous smile. No one knew what had happened and I planned to keep it that way. But even without knowing that, it was obvious that we were angry at each other. And with everyone there, there wasn't anything I could say without giving us away.

He walked out of the room and Lily followed, looking furiously at her husband. This left Moony and I alone. He wasn't going to let that one go as easily. "What happened between you and James, Sirius?"

"Nothing." My tone betrayed me, quaking and seeping over with emotion.

"We both know it isn't 'nothing'. What happened? You two never fight."

"Really, there isn't anything wrong." Shrugging it off, I leaned my head against the pillow and stared at the ceiling. Remus didn't even try to be persistent. With a defeated sigh, he dropped it and walked silently out of the room.

A/N: ATTACK OF THE DRAMA BUG (and caps lock...and fragments)! Was it just me, or did this chapter drag on forever and all eternity? I don't know, maybe I'm just eager to get to the - ahem - good stuff for once in my lifetime After all, this is my first time. Then, again, I also felt I was being too cliche and repetitive here. We all know you want to avoid cliches LIKE THE PLAGUE. Okay, so I used a cliche phrase to demonstrate my point - big whoop...

Just R&R if you know what's good for you. I don't know when the next chapter should be out, but hopefully I'll get a chance to do it tomorrow.


	4. Breathless

The last picture with James' face on it came off of my wall at last. I had to spend two torturous hours finding all the ones around my apartment and carefully placing them in a stack. There'd be a time to face this in the future, but until then, all I could do was hide. As I shoved them in a drawer in my bedroom, there was a crack from another room. Someone had apparated into my apartment.

Wand out, I carefully tread across the floor, careful not to let a single creak from the floorboards escape. With each step, my heart beat quickened, and my throat constricted. There came a noise from outside my bedroom, and my heart felt like it had frozen still for a moment. This couldn't be happening.

A messy head of jet black hair peaked in from behind the doorframe. At that point, a Death Eater would have been preferable. I didn't need to hear about how terrible I was. My jaw clenched, and I tried to keep any tears from flowing.

"Merlin's Beard, you look like you've seen the Dark Mark, Sirius." His tone was casual and light as if nothing had ever happened. I met his eyes in confusion as I tried to make sense out of the whole situation.

"What do you want, Prongs?" Although I aimed for a cold, indifferent voice, what came out was a soft, pleading whisper drawn out in pain.

"I came to apologize." His hazel eyes wandered around the room, unable to meet mine, and a hand shakily ran through his hair. As his best mate, I'd come to known he did this when he was truly nervous and afraid.

"Right, and barging into my house's a great way to show it." I should have accepted it, but I couldn't find myself doing that after spending agonizing hours grieving where he merely shoved it in my face. Now that he was ready I was supposed to agree?

"I – I didn't think you'd mind. I guess I just wasn't thinking." Looking up at him, I couldn't help but feel a need to comfort him. James was rarely helpless, and being caught in a moment where he fidgeted nervously was a rarity I didn't want to be familiar with.

"James, you fucking prat." I approached him, and he finally met my eyes, a tentative smile on his face. My words held nothing but adoration other than perhaps a slight irritation. "I can't believe you did that to me! Remus thought I was going to die."

"Well, Remus thought you'd contracted some deadly disease." Unlike a week before, now it was his voice that shook and mine that was steady.

"I guess the lying in my bed staring helplessly at my ceiling might have given him that impression." A humorless laugh escaped my lips.

"You were right." His voice was small and ashamed, as if almost wished no one would hear. "Someone needed to say it." Had I not known any self-control, I probably would have stared in shock, jaw hanging on the floor. The one thing James Potter never did was apologize. Instead, I blinked several times and opened and closed my mouth like a drowning fish. In seeing the effect it had on me, James seemed to pull himself together and laughed.

"Bloody hell, seeing your reaction was worth everything."

"Did you just apologize?"

"I'd rather you didn't tell anyone." He winked and ruffled his own hair out of instinct. I could feel my face blush. "All we need is some git like Snivellus knocking at our door."

My own hand reached to run through my hair and suddenly, I felt awkward, my eyes looking elsewhere. James wouldn't take the silence though.

"What happened to the picture of us? I could swear there was one outside your room." I flicked my wand and the drawer flew open, the pictures visible. Giving James a sheepish grin of innocence, I set them flying across and out of the room with another wave.

"That should put them back into their original places."

"Why did you take them down in the first place – Peter's drooling all over me a bit too much for you to handle?" Catching a zooming picture, he let off a lazy smile. "Yeah, Wormtail might as well be bloody worshipping me." I grinned at several obvious memories.

"Some things never change." A tanned hand slid through his messy hair, only further giving it a windswept look. I found it undeniably attractive and gave him a goofy grin.

"What's so funny?" he asked with an amused chuckle.

"Nothing. I'm just wondering why I didn't notice how sexy your hair looks when you do that."

"Do what? This?" His hand reached out once more and ran through his locks tauntingly slowly, a mischievous grin on his face. I found myself goggling at him, my mouth slightly parted as I looked into those eyes hidden beneath the long lashes. "For Merlin's sake – you're turning into a fangirl, Padfoot."

"For Merlin's sake," I muttered, copying his exact tone of voice, "you've only just realized this?" Getting up from my spot on the bed, I approached him, leaning my body against his before possessively sliding my hands down to his waist and gripping his arse.

"Erm, I guess so." His voice quivered, distracted as my breath intoxicated him. "Padfoot, you're awfully close andI'mafraidImightkissyou." I doubted I had ever seen James as scarlet as he was now.

"And that'd be a bad thing?" As I stroked his face gently, a growling chuckle rising from the back of my throat, I was surprised at how the roles had reversed from last time. I planned to keep it that way - that was until his tongue darted between my lips and he began to ferociously devour mine. He backed me up until I was pressed against the back of my armchair, James straddling me.

He pulled back, leaving me breathless. With a head tilt and a look of mock contemplation, Prongs replied, "I guess not." Then, he left me sitting like an idiot, eyes glued to him. "Anyone ever tell you how easy you are to fool?"

"Oh, shut up."

"What a comeback!" With that same lovely grin on his face, he approached me again, hips swaying underneath his robes. "Like what you're looking at?"

"Course I do." A slight heat crept into my face. In response, his grin melted to a smirk. I couldn't help but smirk back.

"What are _you_ smirking at?" I shrugged and managed to shift my weight to my trembling legs as I got up.

"Only that you're here and kissing me." I stumbled as if drunken by his presence, and he caught me lightly with those experienced Catcher hands.

"And keeping you from breaking your nose." Still, he slowly and passionately pressed his lips against mine, pulling me into a gentle kiss. I was almost surprised at the lack of lust and his careful touch.

"James?" He pulled back and as his brow furrowed, a concentrated scowl taking control of his features. There was no response other than perhaps a slight gaping of his mouth as he tried to say something. I repeated his name softly, and pushed a loose strand of hair behind his ear.

"Shuddup, Padfoot, I'm trying to tell you something."

"Well, you're not doing a good job at it," I replied gently with a soft smile.

"Clearly." He rolled his eyes and huffed out a deep breath.

"In fact, I'd –"

"Sirius Black, I do in fact love you, and yes I am a fucking prat for not wanting to admit it, but it isn't easy when you have a wife and a kid coming, too." He paused. "For gods' sakes, wipe that ridiculous expression off of your face." I couldn't hide my dazed grin, and sloppily planted a kiss on his lips.

"That's for not telling me sooner." He smiled into my lips before reaching for my hand and intertwining our fingers. Upon pulling back, I nuzzled my head against his neck, breathing in breaths of only James.

"Tell me why we weren't doing this earlier?" His tone was slurred, and I could tell he was beginning to drift on into his own world. Yet his words seemed to bring some small sort of sense to me as well as a sudden grip of reality. This was never going to work.

"James," I breathed, already regretting what I had to say, "we can't do this." I began to pull away, but he caught my chin in the cup of his hand and turned me to face him.

"And why would that be?" His eyes held a hardened glare not accepting any challenges.

"You know perfectly well why." He had even explained why moments ago. As much as I wanted to do this, as much as every ounce of my body ached for him, for his touch and affection, I couldn't let myself.

"Lily doesn't need to know," he pleaded with me.

"You're going to have a child, Prongs." I refused to meet his gaze, and lowered my eyes instead to my carpet.

"It doesn't matter. I don't love her." It bit into me, but I managed to keep strong.

"Dammit, don't do this to me!" Wasn't I pleading him to do the same thing not but a week ago? With a shove, I sent him backwards, toppling over my table, and landing groaning on his back. For a moment, he merely lay there, staring up at me in shock as a bit of blood trickled down from his forehead. "You're hurt!" With a crack, he disapparated.

A/N: Well, this chapter actually was the most fun to write. :3 Indeed, I tried to expand my simple dialogue and capture the essence of the characters. Perhaps I failed and perhaps I didn't. Only you can tell me that (HINT, HINT).

Well, I can't say that I've successfully ended a chapter without drama, but it only leaves you wanting more, right? So, in that case, it can't be a terrible thing. At least this chapter wasn't entirely plastered with the Drama Queen of the Year award. Rate and review, people. I appreciate all the reviews I've gotten so far, by the way! You are too nice.

You know, this was originally going to be a oneshot. XD Random little tidbit for you... (And I'm sorry if my over-excessive use of smileys distracts you/bothers you/makes you want to kill me. Please don't kill me.)


	5. Pity

I scrambled and upon finding my wand immediately sent myself after James. However, I knew better than to Apparated directly into his house. Lily would be furious if she happened to be at home.

Frantically, I rapped at the door. "James, let me in!" No one replied and I persistently continued frapping at the door, until –

"What do you bloody want with him, Sirius?" A very irate Lily had opened the door. "Is he hurt?" The words rushed out, and I quickly peered around Lily as if James would be standing behind her.

"Of course he's hurt, you idiot! You narrowly missed his temple." While normally of a sweet disposition, Lily was known to be violent when angered. "He told me he went to your house to apologize."

"He did."

"Then, for Merlin's sake, why did you attack him?" My mouth opened to reply, but my words got caught in my throat. What was I supposed to say – 'Oh, your husband and I were discussing if it was moral for him to snog me. You see, we're in love with each other.' That'd go over really well. "You don't even have an answer." Wonderful, yet another person in the world who was angry at me.

"It was an accident" I murmured weakly. It was the truth, after all.

"James told me you sent him flying into a table." There went that excuse.

"Can I at least see him?

"No you may not. Now, go away!" The door slammed in my face.

Glancing around, I made sure no one was looking before hiding in the brushes and casting the Disillusionment Charm. I shivered as I felt the familiar sensation of an egg being cracked over my head and trickling down. I then proceeded to levitate myself to James' bedroom window.

James looked more disgruntled than angry. He was lying on the bed on his side and facing the window. While he stared off into the distance in a trouble land of thoughts, Lily gently stroked his hair, fingers lovingly brushing over his forehead and temple. Her smile was pure, and with a final peck on the forehead she left him in the room alone.

Now would have been the perfect opportunity to reveal myself to Prongs. But what I had seen had shaken me. I had always known it, but witnessing an intimate moment no one else was supposed to made me finally completely understand. What Lily had was pure and unconditional love for James potter, and at the moment, I realized that I had never pitied her more.

With a loud crack, I was back at home. I could almost picture James snapped out of his daydreams and staring at the window. But I pushed that out, telling myself that I had to be strong. So, with a shaky but determined breath and the help of several strong sedative pills, I was fast and dreamlessly asleep.

I woke up by means of the light mercilessly shining in my eyes. For my terribly worried and morose mood, it seemed ruthlessly and perhaps mockingly bright. I grimaced, but reminded myself of Lily's face. With James' face floating across my mind constantly, it was proving to be extremely hard to shove hers in instead.

Around noon, I couldn't take it anymore. I was going to Apparate to the Potter's house and refuse to take no for an answer whether Lily like it or not. I had to make sure he wasn't as melancholy and betrayed as his eyes had shone moments before he Disapparated yesterday.

As I took out my wand and waved, my mind only saw his expression. With a raised fist, I pounded on the door. I felt weak suddenly, though, and as the door opened, I found myself unable to focus on Lily's face. In fact, the only things I could notice where the black splotches appearing in my eyes and the terrible pain in my back.

It felt as if someone had unsheathed terrible knife-like nails and ran them down my back. Through all of this I couldn't find any power within me to yell. In fact, all strength had drained from me. Somewhere in the distance, I was aware that I was falling to the pavement. The last thing I heard was Lily's ear-piercing, terrified scream. Blackness happily engulfed me.

A/N: This chapter's more of a transition/filler chapter than anything else. Also, it's ridiculously short to the point of being embarrassing. Still, I want to know how I did.

Alas, seems like I've ended this one on a bit of a cliff-hanger. -evil grin-

Well, rate and review. Also, I'm trying to put a chapter a day, but the week has started it's hard to get hold of my laptop as I'm so busy. Still, I've managed to write out several chapters with a pencil and paper (and maybe if I have time I can take out my typewriter =P).

Again, thank you to all of you who are writing such kind reviews. I just don't know what to say. :3 Finally, anyone want to be my beta?


	6. Reason and Logic

"How are you feeling, Padfoot?" Moony hovered over me. It was later in the evening and I figured Lily and Prongs weren't planning on coming.

"Let's see," I began, "I'm at Saint Mungo's again for the second time in a week because I – being the brilliant person I so obviously am – managed to Splinch and make a giant, crater-like hole in my back. So, I guess I'm just perfectly wonderful – never better!" Although I ended my sentence jokingly, a scowl plastered itself on my face, and I folded my arms across my chest crossly.

"Splinching can happen to anyone. You shouldn't be so harsh on yourself." Moony placed a comforting hand on my arm, but I moodily yanked away.

"Did it ever happen to you? Or anyone you know, for that matter? Merlin's beard, even Wormtail never Splinched!"

"Hey!" Wormtail lifted his paws off of his head and raised it up in our general direction, finally speaking from his curled-up spot in the corner. He had been awfully quiet, but of course, he perked up at the mention of his name. Then again, I had insulted him.

"You managed an Animagus form in Fifth year. Anyone who can do that clearly isn't an idiot. So you Splinched – just don't let it happen again. No one can blame you for it."

"Always the voice of reason and logic, aren't you, Moony?" I huffed before continuing to sulk. Not only had I completely destroyed my ego, but Prongs hadn't even been there when I had woken up. Perhaps it was too much to ask, but could he not seem concerned just once? I knew it was greedy of me to think, but I couldn't help but be disappointed.

Silence filled the room and Peter got up suddenly. "I'm going home. I'm hungry."

"'Course you are," I muttered. Wormtail turned scarlet.

"Sirius!" Remus reprimanded.

"Right, of course, I'm sorry. Your best mate's dying in a hospital bed, but go right ahead home to eat when your stomach growls."

"You're not _dying_," Wormtail said in a hushed tone at the same time as Moony repeated my name in an annoyingly motherly fashion.

"Okay, okay, I'm not being serious." I grinned at the pun on my name, while Remus only rolled his eyes. Peter seemed – naturally – oblivious. And he slugged out of the room. More silence followed. It was becoming increasingly uncomfortable. Moony was the first to break it.

"Sirius, what's going on between you and James?" His voice was serious and almost business-like. The only thing I could do was feign that I was clueless. And this was exactly what I did.

"I have no idea what you're talking about. Prongs and I are perfectly alright." So it was an obvious lie – not my problem.

"Don't play the idiot. I know you're not stupid."

"What a compliment! 'I know you're not stupid.' I'll have to disappoint you, though. I really have no clue what you're talking about." My voice recently seemed to have adopted a cold indifference about it. But despite all of this, I refused to look him in the eye merely because I couldn't. For a moment Remus didn't say anything. I thought he was fed up with me when suddenly –

"I didn't want to bring this up, but obviously it's necessary." He surprisingly sounded exhausted. "Sirius, no matter how much you want to, James will never fancy you. He has and he'll always have Lily. You're his best mate, but nothing else." Those words were like the tormenting words of a nightmare, and with no current shell to burry myself inside, the full impact of what he said hit me.

"You don't understand," I moaned, fat tears already escaping. There was no way I could explain what had happened between us. It wasn't my story to tell. What hurt the most, however, wasn't any of this. What hurt the most was that everything he said made perfect sense.

"James was always witty and rebellious. I guess I can see how you'd find him – erm – attractive, but you need to let go. Lily loves him and he loves her back. And even if that wasn't true, it's too late. It's not just that they're married, Sirius. They're having a kid." Dumbly, I nodded.

"How long have you known?" I croaked out.

"Since the day Lily and James started going out. I've never seen you so jealous." The conversation had worn out and I was left feeling small, insignificant, and utterly tired. All I could manage was a wobble of the head and a meek 'oh'. "You're tired. I'll leave. Just give some thought to what I said."

When I woke up the next morning, I found myself obsessing over my dreams. They had been filled with traces of what Moony had warned me about yesterday. I had found out that James had never loved me and that everything that had ever happened between us was either a lie or a fragment of my overactive imagination. Upon my trying to explain my feelings to him, Prongs laughed cruelly, announcing that the only person he could ever love was Lily. Lily then proceeded out, her face beautifully similar to a Veela's and her steps as graceful as if she was balancing on a cloud. There was eeriness to her beauty, and soon I found out that James was under a spell and I helpless to tell him. In a desperate attempt to, Lily had sent the killing curse my way. I had woken up a second before the green jet of light had hit my chest.

A Healer peaked her head into the room and I emptily gazed up at her. "Mr. Black, you have visitors."

"Let 'em in." Whoever it was – probably Moony – their presence would be much better than being alone. What I foolishly didn't expect was for Lily to come in with Padfoot, hand-in-hand. "I guess I should thank you for saving my life." My eyes gazed abashed at my clasped hands.

"I don't think James would ever forgive me if I didn't," she said with a smile and there was a caring glance at her husband at the end. I looked up to find James' penetrating eyes boring down at me with concern. No one said anything else for the time being.

"I guess I also owe you an apology." As if rehearsed, my eyes became slightly watery again and my voice overflowed with a need to be forgiven. It was something necessary to my survival.

"You guess…" Letting out an annoyed, impatient sigh, Lily rolled her eyes.

"Lils, be nice. Apology accepted." He seemed to perk up a bit, and even gave me a lopsided flicker of a grin. "So, how did you manage to get Splinched?" There was a slightly amused chuckle.

"It's not funny, Jamsie! He could have died had the Healer taken moments longer. I didn't see you laughing when he lay drenched in blood." What kind of a terrible nickname was _Jamsie_? While Prongs blanched and Lily glared at him, I gagged at the name. Unfortunately, Lily caught me gagging. "I didn't know you were disgusted by blood." She sounded curious.

"Erm, yeah," I agreed, not knowing what other excuse to use. Prongs' expression turned to an amused smirk.

"Well, we just wanted to make sure you were okay. Jamsie was especially worried." He silently laughed as my eyes darkened again. "We have a meeting with Dumbledore, so we'll have to be off."

A/N: I'm sorry if this chapter bored you. I tried to include bits and pieces of humor. I felt like I needed some of Peter, but also, I can't have you hanging on edge about them fighting. Poor Siri, I'd hate getting Splinched (Captain Obvious to the rescue!). Rate and Review…it makes your bones stronger (not really).


	7. The Scent of Heaven

I came back home in as jolly a mood as it got for my predicament. James wasn't angry at me anymore, and it seemed like things could finally settle down between us. It was late afternoon when I decided that there was nothing better to do than lie on my bed and look through photo albums from Hogwarts. Falling asleep wasn't exactly planned though.

A crack woke me up. My eyes snapped open to look around. What I wasn't expecting was the pitch darkness to greet my eyes. In some time between my falling asleep and waking up, a charcoal blackness had engulfed my room.

"James?" No reply came, and as my eyes still weren't adjusted; I might as well have been blind. My hand reached into my robes to pull out my wand. There was nothing in my pockets. Cursing myself, I remembered that I had placed it on my bed stand. As I went to search for it, however, a hand met mine, pushing it down against the bed with their hand lying gently on top with only enough force to keep it there. "James?"

Before I had time to even react, a body pressed against mine, suddenly draped on top of me. Feverous kisses were placed on my neck and lips. Yet what caught my attention was the obvious erection pressed against my ever-hardening cock. "James?" I now moaned for a third time, already knowing the answer.

"Hmm?" His lips continued their frenzied path across my skin. Where the soft flesh of his lips brushed against the skin, I burned to a point where my body roared in triumph. Pleasure seeped into my body like a poison and I yearned for James like I never had before.

But I couldn't give up now. "We can't do this!" There was a helplessness to my voice, and I struggled against his touch for control.

"When did you develop a conscious? Anyway, it's not like it stopped me before." I went to reply and pull away, but James only further pressed his body against mine. A tongue slowly traced my lower lip and his breath slowly blew into my face like a tantalizing perfume scented of heaven.

"This isn't fair," I managed to whisper between moans as his hand rubbed against my hips.

"I love you, Sirius Black," what his only reply. Any sense or advice of abandonment had been long forgotten with those words. My heart beat quickened as his hands gripped frantically at my pants. I needed James more than oxygen itself.

My own lips devoured his skin. How did I not realize how delicious the taste of him was before? My tongue caressed his neck and I bit down oh so slightly. A growl-like moan escaped James' lips. I found myself at his pants as well, and as I pulled down, I could almost feel his lustful gaze boring into me.

His wand was thrown carelessly on my dresser, the tip illuminated with a small orb of light. That light spread around us and onto the bed. It was dim, yet in it I could distinguish James' gorgeous hair flying into his face as his enticing lips were parted and pulled into an inviting smile. Taking up his offer, my lips met his and my tongue passed its way into his mouth.

My mind was set on memorizing every little detail of his mouth, and as my tongue explored its newly-found cave, resistance presented itself. His tongue met in retaliation, wrestling demandingly with it. My hands nestled themselves into those perfect tresses, and I sighed contentedly into his lips. His shiver echoed into me and I pulled back to rip off his thin shirt with jerky movements of my shaking hands.

"Lily –"

"She's at Alice's. Frank's out doing a mission for the Order." I nodded dumbly. My hands moved to his chest trying to remember every inch of it, the feel of him pressed against me. His smile brought me more light than the sun's drilling rays ever had and as the moon peaked into the room bathing his perfect body, I knew I'd never trusted him more.

A wicked smile broke the tenderness of the moment and I shivered in anticipation. His hand gently unbuttoned my shirt with a taunting slowness. I opened my mouth to protest as he pulled away, but a single glace of those eyes silenced me. Suddenly, my shirt was pulled out from underneath me and James' tongue traced along my body, reaching from my neck lower and lower until it hovered above my waistline. Arching my back, I let of a slight whimper. Feeling his grin against my stomach, he proceeded to slowly lick the skin around my bellybutton. As my pants became shallower, his hand reached lower and through my boxer slowly dragged down my length.

"Stop teasing," I managed to mutter between hurried breaths.

"Make me." The challenge stood and was indeed tempting, but in my position, I doubted there was much I could do other than beg – which, of course, I was too stubborn for. His hand slipped underneath my boxers and grabbed my erection. Then, again –

"James," I hissed, teeth gritted together as my eyes rolled in their sockets. Such pleasure which I'd never felt ripped through my body. "Please."

"What was that; is Padfoot perhaps _begging_ for something?" I ground my teeth in an obstinate attempt to remain silent. His lips left my waist and I let out a small sigh of relief. Sirius Black never begs. "You know you want it." His husky voice whispered into my left ear, tongue tracing the lobe as his hand slid my boxers down on dropped them on the floor.

"I do want you. I love you; I love you; I love you," I desperately cooed into his ear with whatever dignity I had left. He released his agonizingly teasing grip on my ear and instead snaked his way downward once more.

"Much better."

"Git," I grumbled half-heartedly. This time his lips didn't stop at my waist but worked down to my thighs. I felt the heat rush to my throbbing cock and moaned softly as his hot breath whispered on it. There was a pause before James' lips parted. Suddenly his mouth formed around the head of my erection. I'd never felt such warmth, moisture, pleasure, and gasped, my fingers tensing slightly in uneven twitches.

Then, suddenly he delved further, the tip of his throat brushing against me, and I shuddered, hands automatically grabbing at his hair out of some unknown instinct. He slowly slid down my length again, tongue twisting maddeningly against it. My thighs and entire body throbbed. I ached, but in pleasure, not in pain. His rhythmic movements sped up their pace, and while I found myself gripping his hair, I also found myself pressing against him and pulling him closer toward me.

Pressure built within me, and my entire body arched as I seemed to explode, hands gripping his locks tighter than ever and my mouth releasing a soft, drawn-out moan. With a choked, cut-off ending, my head leaned against the bed and my arms dangled loosely, fingers no longer matted in his messy hair. I felt cool air against me, and shivered as James' head loomed over me suddenly.

"James, I –" He cut me off with a gentle kiss.

"Hush," his voice hummed tenderly. His hand stretched out and found his wand. With a wave, he had conjured a tube of lubricant. "I'm – I'm guessing this might hurt a little." He no longer held that same arrogant look. It wasn't to say he didn't hold himself with some amount of pride, but rather that those glowing orbs had softened to a passionate love.

With his fingers slicked, James laid a shaking hand on my thigh and further parted my legs. His eyes only left mine for the briefest of moments to slowly enter his finger inside of me. A hiss of breath passed through my lips at the slight pain and James' eyes snapped back, concerned. The grip on my thigh tightened, and I already could feel that same warmth beginning to settle within me.

Another finger entered, and this time this hiss was more audible. I shut my eyes, and as his fingers adjusted slightly, I bit my lip, feeling another small wave wash over me.

"Sirius." My eyes snapped open just as he scissored his fingers. A full gasp released through my lips, first of pain, then of pleasure as stars sparkled in front of my eyes and my entire body shuddered. As if encouraged by this, a third finger slipped in, and he hit the same spot, my breath already coming in short, shallow snatches. He pulled out and I shuddered.

By now I couldn't wait any longer, and as he gently entered, both of us moaned in obvious ecstasy. Although there was pain, neither could deny this felt all too right. And with a giddy rush, James began thrusting in and out, gentle and careful at first. But as sparks flew in front of my eyes once more and I let out a drawn-out whimper and gripped his hips, his speed increased, the rhythm matching our fluttering hearts. James panted, and I could feel him tense as my body arched in agonizingly wonderful pleasure.

I was once again the first to come. As he hit that same mind-spinning spot, I released once more, fingers curling around his hips and nails digging into his skin as his name flew from my lips. With a flustered madness, our lips met and fought, teeth clashing together and unsteady, trembling smiles meshed against unsteady, trembling smiles. James didn't take much longer. As he toppled over the edge, his face buried into my neck, and although I wasn't sure because his whisper was much softer, I thought I heard him moan my name.

As we both heaved in shaky breaths, we lay on my bed, such small space separating us suddenly seeming so distant to me. As if thinking the same thoughts, his hand stretched out, fingers wrapping around mine as clammy palm met clammy palm. His fingers lovingly caressed the front of my hand, and in the lovely moonlight, we could both make out each others faces, serene and filled with an unimaginable joy.

"James…" I pulled him closer and draped an arm lazily around him. My hand then reach up, cupping his chin slightly and turning his face so that our lips brushed. Time seemed to reach a standstill like an object charmed to immobility for all eternity. But the moment didn't last long, and he parted my lips with his tongue, taking my lower lip between his. When he pulled back with a shyness uncharacteristic of himself and rested his head against the crook of my neck, a small, at peace smile formed on my lips.

"Siri?" A happy sigh escaped upon hearing the affection with which he muttered my fond nickname.

"Yeah?"

"I – I'm really glad we…" He trailed off, as if unsure how to finish the sentence. I tightened my grip on his hand to reassure him and pulled a stray strand of raven hair out of his face.

"I know. Me too." And I really did.

With comfort in each others presence and touch, we fell asleep, both whispering sweet, slurred love in the others ear. And with a final seal of my heavy-lidded eyes and that same smile still lingering on my lips, happy dreams pulled me in, though none could rival this happy night.

******************

I awoke to sun beaming on my face through the still-opened curtains. The bed was empty, and as I turned over and stretched I could hear the shower from the bathroom. There was a moment where my half-asleep mind let me blissfully smile, but then it hit me.

My throat constricting as I gagged, I looked down to see my still naked body. Oh, Gods, had I really… My mind burst into a terrified craze. James belonged to Lily not to me. This wasn't supposed to happen. He had cheated on her with me – his bloody _best mate_ – not even a fucking girl! With a wave of my wand, I was redressed, and I sat on my bed head buried into my hands.

There was no way either of us could do this ever again, yet at the same time it was impossible to just put it behind us. But my heart fought against me with all the strength I possessed. Nothing had ever felt better in my life – more right, as it was meant to be. I loved James as I knew I had, and having him just for one night made my heart sing out with the joy of an angel itself.

Yet my mind spoke the same four words: You're just being selfish. And somehow I knew I was. I couldn't let James ruin his life. He was going to have a child, and no matter how much both of us yearned for this or loved each other, we had made that decision long ago. This wasn't the path we had chosen to follow.

I just now realized that the sound of the running water was gone. My head lifted just in time to see James leaving the bathroom, dressed but still wet. My body shivered just at the sight, but I shoved anything down to meet him with morose eyes.

"Siri, what's wrong?" He was immediately at my side, arm wrapping me around me and against him. While he soothingly ran his fingers through my hair, soft words of comfort slipped through his lips and he waited patiently for me to explain. My throat tightened shut and I only managed to heave a sob against him. "Sirius!" Lifting my face to look into his concerned eyes, he asked me again, "What's wrong?"

"We can't do this, James."

"What are you talking about?"

"You're married to Lily. You're supposed to love her not me, God dammit!" I attempted to pull free, but his hand wrapped tightly around me protectively as if someone would snatch me away if he let go.

James paused before saying in a stiff, stubborn voice, "Ignore your bloody conscious for once, why don't you?"

"I could erase your memory of this ever happening. You wouldn't remember anything of this or Hogwarts." My breaths came out unevenly as my sobs increased.

"And what would you do? Live with them? Gods no, I'd rather break Lils' heart a thousand time than make you live through that." I nodded as if it made sense to me, but my mind was as stubborn as was his heart.

"I'm hungry." Managing to keep a steady voice, I sat limply on the bed as his arms released their tentacle hold from me.

"I'll make you something to eat." He got up and placed a kiss on my lips gently.

"I love you, Sirius, and don't you ever forget that." And he turned his back on me and began crossing the room. My hand shakily reached over for my wand. As my heart shattered into a million pieces, I thought a single thought: You're doing this for James.

"Obliviate." Tears streaked my face as I worked, modifying his memory. Nothing had ever happened between us. He'd never loved me, and all I was to him was a friend. He'd come over last night just to hang out here while Lily comforted a worried Alice and we hadn't done much other than drink a bit of Firewhiskey and play some Wizard Chess.

The only way he cared for me was as a friend. He'd never know. Lily would never know. But I would carry those memories for the rest of my life. My hand dropped down to my side as my willpower finally collapsed into a crumpled heap and I convulsed as sobs shook through my body and rattled in my mouth.

"Padfoot, what's wrong? Bloody hell, you look like a bleedin' mess." It took a moment for me to recognize that he was addressing me. The name suddenly sounded so wrong in his mouth.

"Oh," I muttered, peeling my eyes open to the sun's brilliant rays, and the blurred figure standing in front of me. "It's this girl; she left me, and –" I cut off, my throat closing in disgust. It was always lies. It always would be lies. But now I understood that there was no other way. My hands clawed at my eyes, wiping away my tears.

"I'm sure you'll find another one, mate." A hand awkwardly lay around my shoulder. The silence was thick and unsettling, and backing up with a nervous cough James said, "I guess I'd better go back home. Lils' be home soon. See you later." And – as always – with a crack he was gone.

"Don't worry," I cried. "I won't forget. Love you, too, James."

* * *

A/N: Well, I'd say that wasa bit longer than my previous chapters... Ahem, you'll have to excuse me; I got attacked by the revenge of the inspirationitus. It's a common disease that's also used as an ailment against Writer's Block. :O

Okay, so please don't kill me 'bout the ending. I would have made it end happily, but I didn't have enough material afterwards to form a new chapter.

PLEASE RATE AND REVIEW. This is my first-ever erm, full-out smut scene and I want to know how I did. I reached about up to the kisses at first and then had to spend about five days mentally preparing myself (I've been working on several chapters at the same time). So, I beg of you and bribe you with all that you want (well, erm, that's not really possible, but use your wonderful imagination) to tell me what you think. The longer the review the better. And don't be afraid to spazz/overuse smileys/ramble on because Merlin knows I do.

By the way, get the repeating of lines I used from the first chapter? Eh? Clever, right? Huh, huh? (Okay, not really...)


	8. Guilty

My apartment was crowded. With all the work from the Order, how was I supposed to find time to clean out all the clutter? Piled in the corner were stacks of dirty robes and Muggle clothing. Recent pictures, including one of the Order lay spread out on my desk half-obscured beneath books and other odd junk. Although no one would have noticed, the part peaking out showed James and me, Lily hidden underneath an incantation spellbook.

Gritting my teeth, I stared up at the ceiling. There was time to spare until I had to check up on Peter. God help me if the Death Eaters ever tried to attack him. Considering how much he always drooled over James, I hoped that he would never give in. Then again, who would expect little Peter to be the Secret Keeper. He'd wet himself if someone merely jabbed him unexpectedly in the side. I, on the other hand, was perfectly obvious. Then, there was Remus.

There was talk that someone had gone to the Death Eaters and joined Voldemort's forces. Remus had been so isolated recently. It had begun to frighten me. And then he distanced himself from me as well. As clever as Remus was I had no doubt that the Death Eaters would find use for him. It seemed like a separate life ago we had been Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs. Then again, after fifth year, Prongs was replaced by James. And it would always be that way for me.

It hurt me to see his oblivious smiles, and sometimes the only thing that kept me strong was the obvious affection and adoration he had for Lily. Even then I'd find myself asking myself that same question: did I make the right choice? I hoped to Gods I had.

Although it had been over a year, whenever I found myself wandering the lonely confines of my shattered mind, I would find myself flickering to that glorious night. I would fall into it once again feeling the electric touch of his skin against mine, mouths melting together like chocolate, pulling apart only to take shaky breaths and announce our love in husky whispers. Though I was drunken by his presence, the memory would never be hazy.

Scowling bitterly, I continued to stare at the ceiling. My legs restlessly shook like an impatient child's and my hands fiddled, grabbing whatever first came into reach. It was a Muggle deck of cards that James had given me as a joke. I smiled and swallowed.

Looking at my watch, I shrugged and decided that I might as well make my way to Peter's at leisure with my motorcycle. After all, I barely had time to take it out for a ride, and it was nice to every now and then. So, I made my way outside concealed under the Disillusionment Charm. My motorcycle was in the alley and concealed where no one would find it. I pulled it out and put a Silencing Charm around it. After all, the last thing I needed was anything hearing me.

Peter wasn't there. His house was abandoned, and somehow a sinking feeling fell to the pit of my stomach. Whatever had happened obviously wasn't going to end well. My mind suddenly fired up, screaming at me, "He's the fucking Secret Keeper, God Dammit!" Before I knew what I was doing, my feet pounded against the ground and over to my motorcycle. Trembles were beginning to snake their way through my body and I fumbled nervously, hands having trouble remaining still enough to turn the key.

"God fucking dammit!" With a roar, my engine turned on and I rose to the air. My hair whipped behind me as I ground my teeth, trying oh so desperately to fight back tears. They could be fine for all I knew. Maybe Peter was there with them.

But I knew that wasn't true. Either Wormtail or Prongs would have told me if that was what he was planning. Cursing, I slammed my hand onto the handlebars. This damn thing needed to go faster.

Then, I saw the ruins. If it had been possible for me to die right then and there I could have sworn that I would have. Before I even realized that I had fully descended, my motorcycle was behind me and my feet pumped against the ground.

"James – Gods – please be there." For once I didn't care that there were tears streaming down my face. I was gasping shuddering, painful breaths and my entire body trembled now ever so slightly in fear and in an impossible, yearning hope. He had to be there. This couldn't be happening. My heart and body froze.

James lay there, lips parted slightly as if he were about to say something. His arms and legs were bent at awkward angles and his messy hair spread behind him. And then there were his eyes – those same hazel orbs I stared into so many times and seen brilliance, charm, care, everything human within. Those same eyes which had once looked at me with such intensity as if to say the words 'I love you' now were glazed over and staring sightlessly at the ceiling.

"James?" I choked it out as a whispered yelp. My entire body seemed to crumple and I crawled over to him, not minding as debris scraped into my skin. Tears flowed down my face like a river and my body convulsed violently as if I had been plunged into a bucket of ice water in the middle of winter. My eyes seemed to seal shut for a moment and when I opened them lines meshed together until everything around me was a fuzzy, indistinguishable mess.

"Wake up, dammit!" Shaking him violently, I sobbed hopelessly. "Wake up…" I muttered, voice fading more and more. My shakes subsided down until I was left nudging him. And then, nothing. "Oh, Gods, James. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." This was all my fault. _I'd_ suggested that they use Peter as a Secret Keeper. _I'd_ dissuaded them from using me. The only reason he had died was because I had made it so.

Cradling his head lightly in my hands, I somehow managed to place it on my lap with shaking arms. Stroking his hair lovingly, I gazed down into the sightless eyes and flinched. "I love you so much. I'm so sorry," I choked out between sobs. Trembling hands wiped away the drops which fell from my face onto him. While closing his eyes, I finally noticed what was missing.

"Accio James' glasses," I said in a weak whisper. They flew into my hand and I placed them on him. He might as well have been sleeping. But I knew it wasn't true and that made all the difference.

My hand pulled through his raven tresses for what I knew would be the last time. And it was all my fault. Closing my eyes, I could almost feel a ghost of his arm hugging around me, and without opening them found his hand to lock fingers. Hushed whispers of what might have been the wind spoke in his voice. "I love you, Siri." As I opened them to find myself as alone as ever, I had never felt lonelier.

"I love you, too." Getting up, I walked out, unable to look behind me again. I felt empty, like a hollowed being and attempted to walk out upright as if I were a puppet held by strings. Part of me felt like I was. A smile seemed like a faraway, impossible thought. I doubted that if my soul were sucked out by a Dementor that there would be much of a difference.

My mind wasn't working properly, and the moment I'd stepped out of the ruins I went over to my motorcycle. I reapplied the Disillusionment Charm (which I'd apparently taken off at some point) and was just about to get on it when I heard someone approaching. Skipping immediately to Peter, I applied the spell to myself as well again. I'd get the bastard.

It wasn't Peter; it was Hagrid. With sloppy tears, he walked into the ruins. I could hear his dog-like howling as he delved deeper in. Then, within minutes he was out. The spell had been taken off of both me and my bike. And what I saw made me stop and a small – could it be – happiness enter my heart. "Harry."

"_Sirius, I want you to be Harry's Godfather." James smiles up at me, hand placed lightly on my shoulder and that silly grin on his face._

"_Can I say I'm honored, or would that sound absolutely ridiculous?" He laughs that deep rich laugh, but I can hear that underneath he's frightened. Something's wrong. His eyes are dulled and I can't believe I haven't noticed how exhausted he looks. "James…" His eyes meet mine and although he tries to hide it for a moment, guiltiness enters his eyes and a sigh escapes._

"_We're going into hiding. I need you to take care of Harry if anything happens to us. We trust you over everyone else. __**I**__ trust you over everyone else. You're my best mate."_

"_Nothing's going to happen to you," I bark out more roughly than I mean to._

"_But you don't know that. How many people have we lost so far? There's a war going on. For all I know, Lily and I could be killed. I just need to know that there's somewhere Harry can go if that happens."_

"_You're not going to get killed." My hand wraps around my wand with a death grip as my jaw clenches. It would never happen – not to James._

"_Just promise me. Please, Sirius." I hear echoes of my begging him not to torture me as he reminds me of the ten years that have passed. I can't look him the eyes as I nod. He can't see the tears I have to try so hard to hold back._

"_I promise."_

Harry looked so much like James, but he had his mother's piercing green eyes. "He's alive?" I hadn't even bothered looking. I figured no one could have survived.

"H- He defeated He- Wh-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named," Hagrid managed to stutter between gulps and tears. An ever-so small glimmer of hope entered in me.

"Give him to me, Hagrid." I'd do what James never was able to do – what I'd robbed of him, and I'd do it for him. I had promised.

"Professor Dumbledore's orders…" There was no more the half-giant could manage.

"I'm his Godfather. Please, Hagrid." I had to do this for James.

But he persisted. "I can't." The dim light within me was blown out. Then, I had to avenge their deaths and find Peter.

"Take my bike. I won't need it anymore." I had to Apparate and find him. And knowing him, he was off to find the Order to tell them of what _I'd_ done. After all, no one knew that he had been the Secret Keeper – that it was he who betrayed James and Lily over to Voldemort, not I.

I Apparated, and sure enough, among the crowd of bewildered Muggles I saw him slipping past, a nervous look on his face.

"PETER!" He froze in his tracks, turned around, and squealed. He looked so terrified, and I chuckled to myself knowing he had all the reason to be.

"Si-Sirius…?" What could he say? He had betrayed them to Voldemort, only fleeing upon seeing what had happened. The vermin didn't even have the courage to try protect himself. Anger filled me with more intensity until I glared with an insidious hatred. It was his reason that Harry would never have parents. This excuse of a person killed Lily. And because of him James was dead. "He forced me t-to!"

"Voldemort didn't force you to do anything," I snarled under my breath, low enough that no one would hear me. But before I had a chance to do anything else, though my wand was raised, Peter had already formed a plan of his own.

"You betrayed Lily and James! Death Eater! Murderer!" Eyes followed from his pointing finger to me. The street behind him exploded with such force, and screams erupted from all around. Accusing eyes were torn from me as bodies flew backward roughly against the pavement. Those same eyes were empty. A dead Muggle blasted past me, hazel eyes wide and glazed. It was too much death for me to handle. As I saw Peter fading away into a rat and scurrying down the sewers, a laugh of a madman burst from my chest.

No one would believe me. Peter had cut off his finger a moment before - proof of his death. It was the perfect cover-up. The laugh shook through my body like violent sobs would shake through any normal man. Yet I was not normal. I would never be normal. James was dead.

A hand grasped around my arm, yet like an unconsoled child I continued to let the laughter ache through my body.

"Sirius Black," a voice began somewhere off in the distance behind my muffled thoughts.

Oh, Gods, James really was dead. All these people really were dead.

"You're under arrest for the murders of James and Lily Potter." A list of names followed, but I couldn't focus other than when Peter's name was mentioned. He was somewhere out there, though no one would believe me. "Azkaban." In response, I could only laugh a madman's laugh of agony at my deteriorating life.

I could feel his arm wrapped around my waist as he pulled me against him, whispering words of comfort and showering me in sweet kisses. I could see him, gazing arrogantly with those charming hazel eyes, only to have spoken to the words "I love you". I could taste him as he pulled against my lips with the fury of suppressed love. But it was nothing he would ever have known, erased by my own hand.

I collapsed into an unstable mess as the Aurors appeared and sent hexes my way. To them, I was guilty.

**-Fin-**

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A/N: Oh, yes, that is the end. Sorry for those of you who wanted a happy ending, but this is the way it has to be. I hope you liked it. Rate and review and tell me all about what I did wrong/what I could have improved. But don't forget to mention what you liked. :D

Sorry it took a while, but I had so much work this past week and I had to write this chapter about seven times before I was happy with it. Also, I messed up the first time because I wrote that someone else told him, which I stupidly did not thinking about the whole Secret Keeper thing. Anyhow, this is it! I finally finished! I'm actually sad to be done. :'(

~Luna


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